Conflict
Spoiler Alert: Ignoring Them Doesn't Make Them Go Away
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Alright, coming into the second to last week of Phase 0 and it's time to talk about conflict! Or, you know, we could just, maybe, talk about anything else and just pretend it doesn't exist. You're cool with that, right? Unfortunately, as one who tries to avoid conflict at all costs, this is often how I think. It doesn't help, and it isn't healthy for myself or my relationship with the other person. A fellow Firefly put it quite eloquently when she said:
My natural inclination is to avoid conflict. For my own personal development, I need to learn how to speak up when something bothers me. What I do instead (all too often) is nothing externally, but internally store the anger, sadness, or hurt feelings. This isn't healthy, fosters poor communication, and has probably stunted my efforts in learning to be tactful/assertive in my speaking.That being said, I am still supposed to write about conflict and how to go about resolving it or learning from it in a way that might help reduce or prevent future occurrences. This lead me to another impasse as I'm not 100% sure it's the best idea to dig up something from the past that is very happy where it is, in the past. While reading through some other posts on this topic I discovered this choice bit on point:
This is all to say that I couldn't think of any conflict I've been through that I felt comfortable writing about without feeling like I'm just talking shit about my friends behind their backs (on the internet, which is like simultaneously behind their backs and right in front of their faces -- double whammy!). What's that you say? Maybe I should confront someone about a long-ago slight in order to let them know that sometime in the past they hurt me without realizing it and now I'm going to write about it on the internet for the whole world to see? Nooooooo thank you!So, all this being said (or re-said), I am going to proceed with a slightly generalized conflict and take it through the steps/questions provided to reach a result that will still hopefully teach me something about the way I handle conflicts and how I might be able to approach them differently in the future.
Discuss a time you had a conflict. What was it about? What happened?
I took on some new responsibilities at my job. Unbeknownst to me, this upset some of my coworkers. They started talking behind me back. This got back to me.
What was the source of the conflict?
If we're not going to sugarcoat anything, my initial reaction was are you fucking kidding me? Why are people getting upset because I am doing additional tasks at work? We're still getting paid the same, it's not adding anything to their workload...basically, I didn't get it.
What basic emotions did you feel upon analyzing the conflict?
If it were possible to be both pissed off and not give a single, minute fuck, that would explain my emotions at the time. Part of me was enraged that they had the gall to be upset at something so ridiculous, while another part whispered from the darker recesses of my mind, "So what? If they want to make this a them vs us situation, so be it. Done and done."
What actions did you take to resolve your conflict?
Ah, this is where I say I took some time to think over my reaction, evaluate what was really behind both my feelings and possibly their motivations, etc. None of that happened. I listened and succumbed to the voice in my head and just completely disconnected from them as much as was possible without hurting my ability to complete my job. As with all things, this changed slowly, over time, but I was in no hurry.
If you could go back, what would you do differently, if anything?
One option would have been to tell the person who thought it a great and helpful idea to bring this information to me in the first place to shut up. Outside of that, though, I could have confronted the people, but even now that doesn't seem right as it seems like playing to the whole gossip and drama game which is what led to this in the first place. Option number three, actually take a moment to ponder the underlying issues and see if there was some way to address those in a constructive way that could prevent similar situations in the future. Clearly much easier said than done.
What did you learn from this experience?
I learned (re-learned, yet again) that it is often impossible to predict how someone will react to something, even it if seems completely inconsequential and unrelated to them. That is, of course, unless you know their entire situation, which is rare. People have pasts, and presents, that can cause them to react in ways that you'd never guess and this can often lead to conflict due to a lack of understanding on both sides.